The Waiting Line

NIGHT NIGHT (7 months tomorrow)

PROJECT NIGHT NIGHT:  I just learned of this and couldn't wait to share with you.  Project Night Night -- It's a great program for homeless children and children in shelters throughout the U.S.  Everyone can play a role -- no matter how big or small -- to helping out.  Check it out.  Simple concept, big impact.  (Wish I could work for an organization like this.... but that's another story.)

BABY UPDATE:  Our bug is doing smashingly well. One year ago, he looked like this.... 

Still can't get over it.  I still stare at him while he sleeps and touch his skin.  "He's here - don't screw him up," I hear myself say.   

He's healthy.  He's has two teeth, weighs 20 pounds and is 30" tall.  He insists on having a pacifier when he naps and when he sleeps at night.  Oh, gawd forbid it falls out and he wants it back.  As the Baby Whisperer warned, it has become a prop and it's his stupid momma that gets up several times in the middle of the night to give it back to him -- rather than attempt to wean him off of it or let him cry it out.   I'm hoping that the day is just around the corner when he'll be big enough to grab the darn thing himself OR just grow tired of it. 

As for the camcorder debate, there's still no such luxury device in our home.  Maybe after we get our tax refund we will splurge.  Maybe.

As for the childcare issue, I've settled on a combination of solutions.  Part-time live out nanny until the summer, part-time day care program until the summer and then full-time after that, and part-time "nana" nanny.  This compromise I think will work best for our boy.  He'll spend 2 days a week with the nanny ('til she relocates to the East coast), up to 3 days at the day care for 1/2 the day - at which point my parents will spring 'em and take him home.   When he's a full fledged 1 year old, then he'll attend the day care full time with his grandparents making weekly visits still.   Hopefully this will work out.   I have so much angst around this issue and doing the right thing.  Ultimately, I would love to stay home with him, but in lieu of that - I think we've got this issue sorted for now....

Update (6+ months)

Camcorder:
I researched the camcorder and like Twirl my head spun....  I go back and forth between the Sony HDR-HC5 Handycam with 1080i  (about $699), and the slightly pimper Sony HDR-HC7 3.2MP MiniDV Digital Camcorder with 10x Optical Zoom (about $969), and then ask myself, hey, why not get the Sony HDR-HC7 6.1MP MiniDV High Definition Camcorder with 10x Optical Zoom (about $1100).   Well, then I realize, dagnabit, we're going to start paying $1,000 a month for a childcare soon, and where the hell is all this money supposed to come from, and I'm already in debt up to the hilt so why don't I wait 'til I get our tax refund and then remember, oh yeah, that's already blown on paying down debt.  Ahh....  I'll turn back to it later when my head doesn't hurt!

Twirl, I'm liking the iFlip idea....

Other than that, I have been utterly revelling in the Bug's infancy.  At 6 glorious months, he is so darn cute and his smile and laugh are amazing.  Damn, that reminds, I should get the damn video camera soon, shouldn't I?   

"Nana Nanny," Live-in/Live-out Nanny, and Day Care (or 'um "Early Childhood Education Center") = Childcare Freakout:
While I was on maternity leave, my mom helped me take care of the Bug.   She was/is great.  Finally, when I got around to saying, "hey, I can handle this" - it was pretty much time to schlepp my arse back to work.  So, lucky for us, my mom has taken care of the Bug full-time for 3 months while I've been back at work.  This, I admit, has made the transition back to work easier because who could I trust more?  No one. 

Now, that the Bug is 6 months old we're talking about different options....  Should I get a nanny (live-in or live-out), should I take him to a highly recommended day care center?  Like the camcorder issue, I just go in circles.  The bright side is that I feel that I have some really great options (as I've already sucked up the fact that I can't afford to stay home with him... end of conversation).  But, right now, I sit on the fence.  I know a gal that may be available for the next year and she would be an awesome nanny.  Just not sure about the live-in option (aka, no privacy ever and what about when I want to yell at my husband or enjoy utter solitude on weekends?).  And oh yeah, how about cost and taxes?  That aside, the gal is great.  Really, really great.*   On the other hand, there is the day care.  And, well, this kiddo might benefit from the social interaction and structured learning environment... or so they say.  The day care is highly recommended, close to my office, cheaper than a live-in nanny option, no tax reporting issues, and is the same place where he will likely go to preschool.  Then again, it's just another cold environment and, heck, there's no rush to get shoved into one of those, now is there?? 

Anyway, we need to get closer to reaching a final decision this month.  I owe it to our great gal (she needs to make some decisions too), to the Bug and to my sanity.

Lights, Camera, Action (5 months)

Helmet feedback:  Statia and Annalien, thanks for your recent comments to my Chicken Sh*t post.  :-)  Annalien, also thank you for your comments about not getting a helmet.  I am in favor of the helmet under certain circumstances and I hear a lot of thoughtful and compelling stories about families that opt for a helmet.  Yours is a side I hadn't heard.  Thanks for sharing your voice.  I needed that. 

HD Camcorder recommendations, please:  So, our family is behind the 8 ball in getting a camcorder.  Yep, 5 months has gone by and we only have 1 measly video of our Bug using a camera.   Indeed, looks like our next major (overdue) purchase will be a handheld camcorder.  I, of course, know nothing about these things - except that I don't want to pay a fortune.   To thwart that, my geek husband tells me that his only request is that it have "HD" capability.  Somehow, I'm confident our price tag just went way up.

Anyway, is anyone out there happy with theirs?  Does it have HD capability?  If so, which one is it?   I'd really like some recommendations!  (...yes, this is a sad attempt to avoid spending 100+ hours researching every angle of this consumer item.  Help.) 

 

Chicken (5 months)

Chicken sh*t.  That's what I am.   

So I continue to be on the fence about putting a helmet on my 5 month old baby.  I know it's easier and faster to fix plagiocephaly now, than if we waited another month or two.  I'm just still not sure it's the best thing to do.   Call it irrational but aside from the voice that keeps saying "just do it already, it's no big deal," there's another voice in my head asking, "what about the pressure that the helmet applies to constrain growth in certain areas -- might THAT hose him up later?!" and "is this really necessary?".   

Because the helmet has only been on the market since 1999, because there are no studies that establish that the Bug's plagiocephaly will cause any developmental or medical problems later, and because there are no studies that confirm that the helmet itself won't impair brain development (though, I admit it's unlikely it would), I am still on the fence but leaning towards "doing nothing" (for the first time in my life).  As you can see from the picture, he's got a good case of flat head on the right side.  But, heck, it doesn't look to me like something that is going to cause him any angst later in life.   Ahhh, but what the heck do I know . . . .

Do you know anyone who decided not to use a helmet?  I wonder how things turn out for those folks. . . . whether most of them regret their decision or not.

Holy helmet! (4 months)

HELLO!!

Holy cow time flies!  I've been meaning to post.  So much is going on in blogland.  It's great to catch up on everyone.  Sorry I haven't been sharing much.  X-mas with a baby was a blast.  Traveling on a plane over the New Year holiday with a 4 month old turned out fine (better to be lucky than good, I say.)  Returning to work has been fine - but that's just because my mom is taking excellent care of the kiddo on a full-time basis.  Now, when it times to cart him off to day care, I'll be in a panic.  I've been all over the map trying to figure out what will work best for our family, for the baby, for my guilt and for our finances: live-in or live-out nanny, other stay at home moms (unfortunately, I don't know any!), day care, daddy stay home scenarios (not too keen on it, but willing to do it if the guilt keeps eatin' me up), blah, blah, blah. 

LATEST ANGST:

What do you think of those hideous cranial helmets for flat headed kids??

It turns out, unfortunately, that my kiddo (or "bug," as my boss and I like to call him) is quite the lopsided fellow.  This is due to inutero compression or restriction (he was 8 pounds for gawd's sake!) AND our strict adherence to the "back to sleep" campaign.  So, last week, we reluctantly took him to Cranial Technologies to get his head measured.  He looks darn perfect to me but, apparently, the back right side of his head is throwing off the symmetry of his noggin' by 15mm. 

Mind you, even evil insurance providers often deem anything over 12mm as "moderate" asymmetry and worthy of cranial orthosis. The helmet folks said the bug would have to wear it 23 hours a day for 2 to 3 months. Yuck.  I'm on the fence about it.  At the end of the day, it's really a cosmetic procedure since this amount of asymmetry is NOT going to affect his hearing, sight, jaw or development (or so they say).  Also, even though it's technically covered by insurance, it's really only minimally covered since its likely to cost $1,500-$2,000 out of my pocket.  Note, I'm happy to pay ANYTHING for Alec's well-being (after all, a 2nd mortgage helped pay for his conception!!).  Just  not sure an arguably cosmetic cap is warranted.

Would you put your kid in a helmet if the asymmetry was visible from one side - but certainly not grossly deforming??  Or would you just let him be?? 

Happy Thanksgiving (3 months)

HAPPY, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!   

Two years ago I got a phone call on Thanksgiving.  Our RE called to say that our IVF cycle failed.

One year ago I was shooting up on hormones preparing for an FET that would use our last 3 frozen embryos.

This year we have a 3-month old baby boy.  You're probably bored to tears of hearing this, but I am so very thankful.   I'm also thankful to this blog community for its support and honesty.  It has helped me get through one of the most difficult experiences of my life and will continue to be a source of inspiration.

CHEERS and HAPPY HOLIDAYS to you and your family!

Nothing to say but thanks (8 weeks 2 days)

Every day I thank our baby - this little person - for coming to us.

I am still in awe of the fact that he is here, and that he was born 1 year after our final attempt at IVF/FETs.

In the past 8 weeks, there have been a lot of things that I didn't expect like ...

... not wanting to have any visitors for several weeks and resenting their sense of entitlement to drop by for hours on end to see a newborn,*

... feeling overwhelmed and teary because a well-intentioned grandmother hovers around too much and gives annoying outdated non-stop assvice,

... needing to pump breast milk since the baby won't maintain a latch,**

... having low milk supply, and

... worst of wall, watching helplessly while my baby choked on breast milk to the point where we had to call the paramedics and consult with specialists regarding reflux and dysphagia.***

Ultimately, though, these are just challenges that in the grand scheme pale in comparison to our happiness that our baby boy is finally, finally here.  A child to nuture, raise and love with all our hearts.

For those of you(us) still striving to have a child, I think of you often and wish you sweet success.  This is truly amazing. 

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*  Why can't people simply say, "let us know when you are accepting visitors, we'd love to meet the baby" instead of assuming they should just show up or "swing by" because it's convenient for them.  I know I'm being selfish, but new moms are exhausted and sleep deprived, spending time bonding with their babies and trying to keep germy folks away from their newborns!

** I know "breast is best" but, jeesh, lactation consultants sure are aggressive and dogmatic, I think.  Several consultants made me feel bad about being unable to get my newborn to maintain a latch.  I had to defend myself and explain that, "yes, I have taken a CLASS and read a book on breastfeeding and I consulted with a lactation specialist every day while I was in the hospital, and, yes, the baby still won't maintain a latch."  JEESH.  BACK OFF.  The goal is to keep the baby healthy and thriving not insist on shoving a breast in his mouth for hours on end.  Just my 2 cents.

*** Thankfully, he's no longer choking.  Because of poor latch, milk supply, exhaustion from pumping breast milk every 2-4 hours, and of course the scary choking (see? I feel I need to justify this...), I have just started my baby on formula exclusively.  The formula is thick enough that I don't need to add powder or gel (god forbid) or rice cereal.  He eats happily and gaining weight.  YEAH!

Paramedics (6 weeks)

I wish my baby boy only had reflux.  Antacids don't prevent choking, however.

We called the paramedics last month.  My newborn baby choked so badly on bottle-fed breast milk that his lips turned blue.  Instinctively, I put him face down and patted him several times on the back.  When he didn't catch his breath, my mom grabbed him and put him over her shoulder - again delivering several strong pats while I called 911.  After what seemed like eternity but was probably only several (long) seconds, he recovered and let out a loud scream and started crying.  I couldn't believe it.  I was beside myself when the paramedics arrived.  I kept thinking to myself, "he could have died..."*  I was a nervous wreck for weeks and, after quite a bit of recent success during each feeding session, I am no longer terrified to feed him.

Before this terrifying ordeal, I had already talked to the pediatrician, GI specialist and a speech pathologist about the fact that he had started choking at each feed when he was about 2 weeks old.  They advised that he undergo a modified barrium swallow (a non-invasive procedure involving injesting barrium of various thicknesses and taking an x-ray).  They confirmed his suck-swallow-breath coordination was off but, otherwise, everything else was normal.  So, after several hours at a children's hospital, we were advised to simply thicken the breast milk and/or formula.  We tried rice cereal, thickening gel and finally thickening powder.

Ironically, when he choked so bad that his lips turned blue (something that had NOT happened before), he was choking on a combination of breast milk and thickening gel recommended by the speech patholigist!!  Needless to say, I won't use the gel ever again.

Things are much, much better now.  Maybe it's just because he's getting older - now 6 weeks.  Whatever the reason, I am incredibly grateful that he's okay. 

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* A CPR instructor later told me that you can't die from choking on such a small amount of fluid.  I wish this *rational* thinking had occurred to me when the baby turned blue.

Newborn reflux (2 weeks old!)

The first 2 weeks have gone by quickly.  (Maybe I have the Per*cocet to thank for that?  I'm kidding.)  Yesterday, though, we visited the pediatrician for the baby's 2 week checkup.  Oh brother.  Since he gags, gasps for air and sometimes appears to choke when he's feeding(what can I say he's a hurried eater), the pediatrician  recommended a modified barrium test to rule out GI tract problems.  The downside is that the only way to get this test done in the next few days (rather than months) is to admit him into the hospital for an overnight stay.  Ughh.

Assuming there are no anatomical problems with the baby's GI system, then what we're dealing with is a newborn with reflux (fairly common) - at which point, antacids should be sufficient (I hope).

The idea of subjecting a 14 day old to a barrium test - no matter how routine and non-invasive, as well as hospital admission, makes me sick frankly.  Perhaps it will go smoothly - but I have turned into a worried mother.

Has anyone heard of this test on infants -- good, bad or indifferent?  Let me know.    

HE IS HERE!!

He is finally here.  Our baby boy was born Wed, Aug 22nd at 8:30 a.m. by C-section.  This is unbelievable.